Alvin’s Weblog

I actually had the intention to do this a long long time ago, but I hadn’t the time and when I do have the time to blog, I forgot completely about it. Now that Miss Clare the kek si lang Ng has tagged me, it’s a good idea for me to get started.

See, a lot of people, particularly the West Malaysians are seemingly ignorant to the existence of Sarawak and Sabah. So ignorant are they that they sometimes ask really silly questions. Well, that was like quite sometime ago. Now, with the government promoting Sarawak and Sabah as tourist spots, more and more people are visiting these two states and they start realising how wrong their perception was towards Sarawak and Sabah. Of course these two states are not as developed as KL as the federal government has funded a lot in developing the KL metropolitan as compared to Sarawak. When I say a lot, I mean A LOT.

So if you have intention to shop when you visit Sarawak, forget it. You can start unpacking and just shop around KL. Sarawak has a nice blend of serenity and city lifestyle. It is not too hectic and nor is it too relaxing. Isn’t that how it is supposed to be?

OK, I’ll save the introduction of Sarawak for another day. For now, in case some of you are still ignorant enough to ask silly questions, let me enlighten you with some Frequently Asked Questions on Sarawak.

Q: Oh, you are from Sarawak! *eyes wide with excitement* So far away! How you people come here ah?
A: Let me see, hmmm, last I recalled, I came on a boat… no no, make that sampan. I had to row the sampan with 2 pedals all the way across South East China Sea. It was so tiring it took me a whole 2 weeks to arrive at Port Klang. When I did, those idiots said I had to pay rental to have my sampan berth at Port Klang. Not cheap I tell you!

Q: Oh, like that! So back home, you people live in trees ar?
A: You’re damn right! How did you know that? I thought you didn’t know! Bravo, bravo! To be precise, the tree houses we have are actually made of concrete. It’s so big we normally find a huge old tree that can withstand the weight. Of course we have a marvelous architecture feat that helps support the house. Oh and did I tell you, we need elevators to bring us up the tree, you know, escalators are just using way too much space. Oh, and our tree house is fully air conditioned. Needless to say, we fit big satellite dishes on top of the tree for better reception. Oh, and our toilet, you have got to hear this. Our toilet utilises the natural environment. When you let go, it just drops down to the ground below. Marvelous, innit?!?!

Q: You guys have electricity or not?
A: What is that? I have never heard of that before. You mean solar energy? That, I have heard. Here, we have solar panels fitted on top of the tree. Not only does it help in giving us clean energy but it also serves as a shade to prevent the heat. That is one of the more advance technology. I can name you a few more but that would take me ages to explain.

Q: Kuching got airport or you use boat go Johor?
A: Airport? OOOHHH! You mean airfield? Got, of course got. The grass one la. It is so under utilized that I used to go to the field every evening for a jog. I so jealous you know? When I first came to KL, my jaws dropped wide open when I saw KLIA. That was the first time I have seen an airplane and I have always thought what I saw in Kuching was what they called airplane. No wonder we can never get to KL by air. I also thought my sampan was so state of the art until I arrived at Port Klang. I almost fainted and fell into the sea when I saw the really really BIG SAMPAN!!! 100 times bigger than mine OK!!! Scared the shit out of me…

Q: How long if you take bus from Singapore to Kuching?
A: Err, quite frankly, I have never taken a bus because the “road” is so special that when a bus goes on it, the bus never returns nor does it reaches its destination. I’ll stick with my state of the art sampan. That was back then though. Now that I have seen Port Klang, my sampan is not that state of the art anymore.

Q: Over there got what car?
A: What car? You mean the ones with four legs? Those are the only source of land transport we have. I think we have got the best car here in Sarawak. How fast can your car go? Mine can go as fast as 20km/h leh!!! Kai wan siao!!! It does 0-20 in 3 seconds. Amazing isn’t it? I bet your car can’t even go that fast! Oh, by the way, the brand of my car is WILD BOAR brand. Now beat that!!!

Q: Got road or not?
A: Got la! That grass road for my WILD BOAR brand car to move on la! What other road you want? That is the most state of the art road you can get. No way can you get anything better than that.

Q: You Bidayuh from Sulawesi there huh?
A: How you know la? Any I thought our head hunting secret is so well kept! Now that you know, do not go anyway near that place. I do not warrant you coming out alive. We kinda love humans in a weird way. We take anything from head to toe.

Q: Sarawak inside Sabah, right?
A: Dunno leh, I thought Sarawak and Sabah is inside Brunei?

Q: Eh? Sabah and Sarawak not the same meh?
A: Same la, we are both inside Brunei ba!

Q: Kuching how big ar?
A: Fuiyo! This question need to ask want mer? Kuching is as big as KL la. last I checked the map, the dots look about the same size le.

Q: Kuching got a lot of cats hoh?
A: Haiseh, that is our specialty!!! When you arrive at the airport, we will have cats greeting you. When you go to the back alley to do your business, the alley cat will accompany you and probably give your bro a nice bite. When you go to night clubs and spas, we have pussy cats waiting. When you go to the cat museum or the city centre, we have cat dolls waiting to greet you. You’d be so sick of cats when you return from Kuching.

Q: Sarawak got Malay?
A: Apa? Saya tidak tahu apa yang engkau cakap. Saya tidak pandai dengar Bahasa Melayu sebab saya ni, orang Sarawak, tak ada orang Melayu.

Q: Sarawak people can speak English?
A: Excruse me? What you talk? Me no can understand. Can you speak good? This language is what? I no think you can understanding me. Anybody got speak good Engrish? I only can talk to people who know speak England.

Q: You people from Sarawak use Ringgit?
A: Excuse me! What the hell is that? In Sarawak, we mine and use gold for business purposes ok! When I came over to KL, they gave me thousands of Ringgit for a piece of our gold. I don’t understand why you people are using these useless papers.

**************************************************

OK, now let’s go over some facts and bear these in mind!

• Sarawak is the LARGEST state in Malaysia. The land mass itself is bigger than the whole of West Malaysia. Kuching is the capital of Sarawak.
• Sabah is a state by its own, which is about half the size of Sarawak. Sabah has never been and never will be in Sarawak. Go back to Form 1 and revise your geography!
• Kuching has an airport with a runway that is capable of landing a Boeing 747-400. We get to West Malaysia by plane and it takes 1 hour and 45 minutes!
• Sarawak has houses way bigger than houses in West Malaysia. We do not live in condominiums because they are so uncomfortable and small. We live in big detach, semi-detach houses.
• Sarawak has cars like the Mercedes, BMW, Jaguar, Bugatti, Ferrari, Porsche and the likes. The rich people here are so damn rich that these cars are really nothing to them.
• Bidayuhs are orang asli of Sarawak. Sulawesi is a part of Indonesia, so how the hell did Bidayuhs ended up coming from Indonesia?
• Sarawak, like any other places in Malaysia has malays. LOTS of them!
• We speak better English than most people in Malaysia.
• Sarawak is so rich with oil that we basically fund your developments in West Malaysia.
• Kuching does not have many cats as claimed. The word Kuching is actually derived from an Indian word Cochin which leterally means port in English.
• Sarawak, like any other states in Malaysia uses the Ringgit currency for business trading.
• Sarawak has electricity of its own. We even have the Bakun Hydroelectric project which is expected to generate 2400 Megawatts when completed. 70% of that is to be sent to West Malaysia.

With that, I shall end my post.

P/S: The above was meant as a parody and if I got my facts wrong, kindly point it out to me and I would gladly change it.